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A close shave: When it’s all hanging out, it’s time for action

PUBLISHED: 14:53 10 April 2017 | UPDATED: 12:39 19 May 2017

Oooh... cold

Oooh... cold

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We took the grandsons swimming and this meant I had to wear my swimming costume... untouched by water in over two years, writes Lynne Mortimer.

First question – would the swimsuit with its built-in breast containers and tummy-retaining stretch, still fit me?

Well, the good news is, I got into it; the bad news is, a number of body bits popped out.

There were the back boobs which I managed to tuck in, a bit of overflow from the chest area which settled under my arms and a disconcerting ridge of fat that popped out at the top of my thigh.

Good news, though, I wasn’t showing any unwanted hair.

The last thing you need when you’re already a bit down about your body image (now more Bottilotti than Botticelli) is to mount an attack on your nether regions with a lady shave.

I read somewhere that women now customarily go hairless in these parts (anatomical not geographical – it is not a fad restricted to large towns and cities but waived in a few remote rural areas).

I’m glad this was not the case when I was a young woman.

Not that I am of the continental persuasion when it comes to body hair.

I’ve always been too craven to allow my armpits to go unshorn in summer.

For a start, it would have instantly revealed that I am not a natural redhead.

Anyway, the bottom line is I am no longer a “babe” when wearing a swimsuit.

As for the other bottom line, that is considerably lower than it used to be.

’m not suggesting I got wolf whistles on the sun terraces of the local lido when I was 16. I didn’t.

But I was slim, with long legs and small waist (22”) and a flattish tummy.

Today I am not slim, my legs seem shorter, I cannot locate the whereabouts of my waist and, if I don’t hold it in, my tummy lollops.

My husband, always supportive, said I looked great. (I don’t think he meant “great” as in huge, massive, enormous, bulky, hulking or vast).

Earlier this year, I mooted the theory that I could lose weight by thinking myself slim.

I was wrong... but don’t tell my husband I admitted to being wrong (too late, Lynne, sorry. ED).

I haven’t lost any weight at all. In fact I think I may have gained some.

I shall have to take drastic action and rethink my policy towards bread, chocolate, butter and cream... especially if I’m going to start scaling ladders to correct misplaced or criminally unplaced apostrophes.

Yes, like many people out there, I was thrilled by the antics of Bristol’s apostrophe man.

As the proud owner of an Apostrophe Society T-shirt, I was delighted to see someone taking direct action.

The man, who we should under no circumstances call Banks’y, was shown on BBC News, ascending a ladder to place a missed apostrophe in the title of a vehicle repair shop.

There is a shop near me called “International Food’s” which is enough send me scurrying to grab a copy of Collins Grammar and Punctuation, just to give it a hug.

The market has been known to sell 2lbs of carrot’s for a very reasonable price but a most unreasonable apostrophe.

Generally speaking, I’m not a fan of pedantry but I make an exception for grammar because, correctly employed, it aids understanding.

Only recently, the omission of an Oxford comma (like an apostrophe only lower) was crucial to the outcome of a court case concerning overtime payments in a labour dispute.

Normally, when writing a list we do not put a comma before the last item when it is preceded by the word “and”.

But there are occasions when it can resolve difficulties.

This example was seen in a newspaper (not this one), I understand: “Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.”

The simple addition of a comma after Kris Kristofferson makes it clear it is a list and that the actors are not the wives. Thus I rest my case for the Oxford comma.

But I shall not be infringing health and safety advice for 62-year-olds with vertigo by taking on high-rise apostrophes.

I shall arm myself with a piece of chalk and tackle the market... when nobody’s watching.

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