A new me for the new year?

IT'S with crushing regularity that this time of year comes round again. No sooner have I opened an extraordinary amount of blue knitwear on Christmas day than suddenly the new year beckons and I am reminded, in what becomes an annual ritual, of my failures over the last year.

IT'S with crushing regularity that this time of year comes round again.

No sooner have I opened an extraordinary amount of blue knitwear on Christmas day than suddenly the new year beckons and I am reminded, in what becomes an annual ritual, of my failures over the last year.

New years eve, new year's day are dangerous and depressing, not only are you reminded what you haven't achieved, you know in your heart, however hard you try, the coming year will be much the same as the last one.

For me I can look back on 2006 and remind myself of all the things I haven't done. I expect its much the same for you.

I haven't bought a house, smaller clothes, a face lift, a lawnmower.

I haven't given up smoking, lost weight, joined a gym.

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I haven't changed career or changed bank account.

Its just depressing.

This year, 2007, naturally my ambitions remain the same. Buy a house, give up smoking, join a gym, and become a different more interesting and thinner person.

But these goals, which have remained unchanged for the last decade, I have finally accepted are probably beyond my reach.

So I have had to devise a new set of new year's resolutions that I would like to share with you today, new years resolutions that we can all probably have a fair stab at keeping.

They are:

Live through February with no more than three days suicidal thoughts-a dreadful month.

Meet Camilla of Cornwell and accept her invitation if she invites me round for a gin and orange.

Get an ASBO as a mark of respect and then break it - can't be that hard when you see the nincompoops that do manage it.

Eat less vegetables - I'm tired of government campaigns telling us what to eat and I'm going to buck the trend.

Eat more mango - a fruit I enjoy.

Say what I think about uncontrolled immigration - it's about time someone did.

Stop paying council tax-it normally goes up in the spring and still there's rubbish everywhere.

Win a prize for growing a large turnip/swede/pumpkin - I've always wanted to have the chance to bore to death a local newspaper reporter.

Give up using a mobile phone - I don't want to be contactable at all times any more it's just annoying.

Stop doing things for other people - no favour goes unpunished-never a truer maxim.

Swim in the sea more - always a delight.

I feel much better now. 2007 might not be so bad after all.

Where can you find mango at this time of year?

I've taken down my decorations. My little Ipswich sitting room is now back to normal.

Gone are the forest damaging Christmas cards which kept falling over every time I opened the front door.

And, if I had put up a tree or tinsel, that would be chucked out too.

Isn't it a shame the sales are so ghastly.

Foolishly I popped into Ipswich town centre to pick up a few items - despite not really being able to think of anything I needed - and found myself in a scrum of people pushing past each other in a desperate bid not to miss out.

On what exactly? It is as if people actually believe their lives will end if they don't buy something reduced in a sale.

I turned round and went home.

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