Footprint, what footprint?

GOD I hate this talk about carbon footprints. It's really getting my goat. Why a footprint? It's just a rather ridiculous trendy phrase. How can anyone leave a carbon footprint? Well they can't can they?I don't know about you but I've had enough of these stupid phrases you hear and see everywhere.

GOD I hate this talk about carbon footprints. It's really getting my goat.

Why a footprint? It's just a rather ridiculous trendy phrase. How can anyone leave a carbon footprint? Well they can't can they?

I don't know about you but I've had enough of these stupid phrases you hear and see everywhere.

Our language is under threat, and it's even happening here in Ipswich. Meaningless drivel is taking hold and we should be worried.

Here are just some of the dreadful expressions and sayings that I am ashamed to admit to have heard and probably even used.

“Pro-active” - awful - what's wrong with just being active?

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“Not fit for purpose” - even worse - means useless so why not just say so.

“Keep me/you in the loop” - a ridiculous and meaningless phrase, what loop? - should simply say “let me know what's going on.”

“Take your personal belongings” - why not take “your belongings” anything that is yours is obviously personal.

“What is your contact phone number?” - using “what's your phone number?” would be better - clearly it is to make contact.

“It's not rocket science” - very annoying - only rocket science is rocket science so why not just say “its easy”.

“With all due respect” - even more irksome - means “I hold your opinion in deep contempt and do not respect you at all.”

“Blue sky thinking” - give me strength - never really understood this but it is often used by people who lack any originality whatsoever.

“Push the envelope” - there should be no need for this phrase ever. I have no idea whose envelope or where to push it.

“A big ask” - it means difficult but is a good example of the ghastly practice of turning a verb into a noun - akin to “parenting”.

And, the worst of all “thinking outside the box” - a stupid phrase for stupid people.

My rant is over and I feel better already.

So what's getting your back up this week? What complaints have you been making? Drop me a line.

CAN you believe Jim'll Fix it is coming back on tv? I might write in.

“Dear Jim,

According to me I am a major celebrity on the streets of Ipswich. Can you fix it for me to have my own television show entitled “Hold the front page I'm a celebrity journalist and I need urgent attention all the time”?

It would mean so much to me, and might mean the difference between me being sectioned under the mental health act and making a valuable contribution to society.

I really need a positive reply at your earliest convenience.

Please find a selection of Cuban cigars enclosed as a blatant bribe.

Yours in stressful and eager anticipation,

James Marston age 11 (plus 20)

I'm saving up for a title.

I want to join the ranks of the nouveaux riches keen to better themselves with a bought name.

'Lord Marston of his little Ipswich sitting room” has got a certain ring to it. But, if ennobled, does it mean I have to wear a ghastly pink suit like east end businessman David West, aka Lord Hollesley who was in the news this week?

A colleague had the gall to suggest I already looked a bit like Mr West.

I think I'd better stay with plain 'Mr' until Her Majesty recognises me for my services to journalism and pops a coronet on my head.

Anyway, I'd rather spend the money on liposuction. Or bingo or Tina Turner CDs.

This is such a cheerful bon mot.

Gleeman - an obsolete noun meaning minstrel.

I might start using it again.

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