Ghastly house will be filled with freaks

HOW depressing.Big Brother is back on our screens this week and instead of a fascinating documentary or a quality drama we are to be subjected to weeks of the dullest freak show on TV.

James Marston

HOW depressing.

Big Brother is back on our screens this week and instead of a fascinating documentary or a quality drama we are to be subjected to weeks of the dullest freak show on TV.

I'm no fan of Big Brother and won't be tuning in and anyway I shall be engaged with the Ipswich almost Operatic and indeed Dramatic Society's latest production Sounds Familiar.

Nevertheless, I can confidently predict a rough outline of the characters that are likely to parade themselves on our screens in a bid to become famous for no talent.

There will be all or most of the following….

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- Thick bird

- Camp gay bloke

- Transvestite/transsexual man and/either/or woman

- Radical lesbian

- Jack the lad - either from Essex or Newcastle

- Racist and/or sexist person

- Silicon Enhanced lady/wanna-be wag

- Token old/ethnic minority person

- Public school boy who knows a royal

- Someone with an odd illness or speech impediment

What they all have in common is an over-riding desire to be a celebrity - and, unlike me, not just of the Felixstowe peninsula.

And to this end they will be unpleasant, obnoxious, crude, vulgar, coarse and uncouth.

They will pull stunts liking having sex, arguing, being violent and behaving in a loutish manner.

And therein lies my main objection to these sort of programmes.

Why on earth does anyone want to spend their evenings watching these ghastly people? How come such coarseness is an accepted part of our everyday lives? Why is it considered OK to be offensive on television?

Surely we deserve to be entertained by quality actors and entertainers who have a talent to show off - not a load of nincompoops of such limited ability.

The house looks ghastly as well, doesn't it?

SO were you at the Suffolk Show? I was.

It's an annual event and much feted by us press corps - we like the lunch.

Though I didn't get the chance to prop up the bar in some swanky marquee with the other hacks as we have in previous years while working hard, notebook, in hand interviewing farmers and the like, it was an enjoyable day.

I spent much of it finding those quirky things that other people miss, like the rather interesting sheepskin footstools I came across in the craft tent.

Of course, the show is never without incident.

Not only did no one recognise the Duchess of Gloucester - I hope they ask Camilla next year - but my friend Julian, who wore shorts and got cold, somehow managed to injure himself on the helter-skelter, I haven't asked how.

WELL as regular readers will know I'm either giving up the fags or on a diet or a de-tox.

My lifestyle is always too much of one thing or the other.

Anyway today I am on day 15 - well day nine if you count a few slip ups after three glasses of Merlot at a wedding and day three if you count a couple of social smokes over the weekend - of no smoking.

I wake up each morning and instead of reaching for the Silk Cut and a lighter I say to myself “health, health, health, James”. It seems to be working at the moment and I know my doctor will be happy.

Shame I've put on six pounds though, she won't be happy about that.

THERE'S nothing better than a Saturday pub luncheon is there?

This last weekend I found myself with my friends Mark and Liz from the west of the county who have recently both got new jobs and have announced their engagement.

Naturally we were celebrating with a couple of pints of Belgian beer and a scampi and chips and peas.

Of course, as a veteran wedding goer - I've been to about 30 - my invaluable advice was called upon as journalist Mark and Liz, who works as a spin doctor, are busy trying to decide where might be a nice venue to tie the knot.

The couple wish to hold the reception and the ceremony in the same venue within a 20-mile radius of the charming medieval town of Bury St Edmunds. I said I'd ask around. Do you know of anywhere? Do drop me a line.

WELL it all seems very quiet at what was the Bartlet hospital

My thoughts on making the stunning building into a magnificent destination hotel complete with cocktail bar, a decent restaurant and landscaped gardens doesn't seem to have been snapped up.

And yet with all this global warming I'm sure Felixstowe is a sensible place to invest as it's bound to soon turn itself into the Cap D'Antibes of the east coast.