I was too tubby...how embarrassing

VIDEO FIND the child within - if you really have to. Scream if you want to go faster - if you must. We popped into the little blue Polo and headed north.

FIND the child within - if you really have to.

Scream if you want to go faster - if you must.

We popped into the little blue Polo and headed north. Five of us in my small motor for an hour isn't the most comfortable of experiences but we were on a day out and the atmosphere was upbeat.

It was only I who was displaying the tiniest reluctance to celebrate our friend Tony's birthday at a theme park.

Tony, who enjoys bingo and admits to being two and nine 29 but is really three and two 32, wanted to recapture his youth and Pleasurewood Hills was the answer.

For me throwing my bulk around at speed in the air isn't that appealing but I went along with the plan and entered into the spirit of the occasion.

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On arrival we started off by watching the sea lions - a most relaxing way to start the day.

Fascinating animals and it was lovely to watch them playing with a beach ball, performing tricks and entertaining the crowds without a cattle prod in sight. Apparently sea lions, who ate lots of fish throughout the performance, are trained with a coloured stick.

It wasn't until later I realised I would have no choice but to queue up and go on a ride surrounded by screaming teenage girls.

So we waited in line for the wuzzy fuzzy or wizzy fizzy or something - I can't remember exactly what it was called - but it looked terrifying.

You sit on a seat in a circle and get thrown around and lots of people are frightened.

It wasn't until I was about to get on board that I spotted a sign saying people of a larger build don't fit on the wuzzy fizzy.

I asked the woman who was working the machinery if I'd get on. She looked me up and down and slowly began to shake her head.

“I think we might struggle to fit you in,” she announced diplomatically.

How utterly humiliating - I was too fat to fit.

Well as you can imagine, I didn't argue the point I turned on my heel and headed off for an ice cream to calm my nerves and help me get over the shock of not going on a scary ride.

Helen, my friend who was as keen to hold the bags and watch the others as I was, thought it was most shocking.

“You're not that fat James, just well built,” she said, as I opened a bag of crisps and rummaged for a Kit Kat.

It wasn't until later that we came across the water slide that I attempted another g-force induced adrenalin thrill.

Tony pronounced: “Look James, you can go on that, there's a really big fella going down it. I reckon you'll fit too.”

Happy Birthday to you too.

Watch the Video button.

Did James fit on the water slide? Would you like to watch the sea lions? Watch the video on our website www.eveningstar.co.uk

GOSH aren't MP's lucky.

They've got 73 days off. Their summer recess when they all slip off to their holiday homes, constituencies and wherever else has begun.

Lucky them. I thought teachers had a cushy summer, but this takes the biscuit.

We're always hearing they are running out of parliamentary time for some important legislation - well why don't they have just a couple of weeks like everyone else?

I've got good news.

My piano has been resurrected. In tune, playable, and looking lovely, the instrument is sounding lovely and fits a treat in my Felixstowe salon with sea views (distant).

Mr Dann the piano tuner was worried it would ever get there.

He said: “Well it hadn't been tuned for a very long time. It was a whole tone flat. The soundboard could have cracked or the strings snapped. You were lucky really.”

I'm very pleased - I'm not so sure the neighbours are quite so delighted though.

There are about 220 strings in a piano, which have a combined tension of about 20 tonnes.

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