I will be giving London a wide-birth until Olympics are over and done with

TROOPS on the street, special traffic lanes, Heathrow border drama,

That’s it I’ve decided.

I shan’t be going to London while all this Olympic stuff is going on.

I might venture back to the capital when the Paralympics are over, the remnants of the last Big Mac meal has been cleared up and the buildings are finally empty and left to their uncertain future.

I’d rather stay in Felixstowe where I have a small flat with sea views (distant) and a comfortable beach chalet with sea views (panoramic to the left) than risk the chaos about to ensue.

In fact I might give up travelling all together.

On Sunday I enjoyed an afternoon in my chalet with a six pack of KitKats (two fingers), a Scotch egg and a can of Dr Pepper Zero.

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The sun was out – for nearly a whole afternoon, youngsters were braving the waters of the Thames shipping area, mother-in-laws were being taken out in public, day trippers were licking ice creams – I mean who needs abroad?

As Quentin Crisp once said: “I don’t hold with abroad and think that foreigners speak English when our backs are turned.”

I’m tempted to agree.

And you certainly don’t need to travel to sample the world’s cuisine.

Felixstowe now boasts a Polish shop and an Eastern European restaurant so that rules out any need to go to the Baltic – I can get a large range of pickled things without too much trouble as it is.

And what’s the point of going to China when you can get an all you can eat buffet at a fraction of the cost and with chips? And as for naan bread or fajitas – well they’re everywhere you look – in fact it would be nice to find a chicken breast which isn’t bang bang or jerk.

Anyway it seems that the more I see of the world the happier I am in Suffolk – I know the roads.

I doubt my itchy feet days are over but I don’t need to scratch quite so often now I’m sliding through my mid-to-late 30s.

I’m too old to go to Faliraki and I bet the Dodecanese are too hot for the larger man anyway. I have no ambition to go to Spain what with all those people on the run. I can’t say I fancy America, it’s all guns and fat people.

I’ve been to sub-saharan Africa and went right off the third world so that rules out a week building wells. And who wants to go to the Middle East with all that small arms fire?

Anyway I’ve flown over plenty of places and I’m pretty well travelled thanks to Google Maps.

Last week I mooched into Amsterdam, all in the space of 20 minutes and without the need to buy a fridge magnet from an airport.