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What’s on Wayne: Sorry Britain’s Got Talent, it’s a no from me

Britain's Got Talent judges David Walliams, Alesha Dixon, Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden are back.

 Photo: Austin Hargrave / ITV / Thames / Syco

Britain's Got Talent judges David Walliams, Alesha Dixon, Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden are back. Photo: Austin Hargrave / ITV / Thames / Syco

©Thames / Syco

I’ve often considered petitioning producers of Britain’s Got Talent to add a question mark to the show’s name. My only talent is knowing I have none.

DNA boggled the mind.  Photo: Tom Dymond / ITV / Thames / Syco DNA boggled the mind. Photo: Tom Dymond / ITV / Thames / Syco

But having met some very good hopefuls at the Ipswich Regent before Christmas my curiosity got the better of me. And who doesn’t love Ant and Dec; aside from other TV presenters come awards time.

Now in its 11th year, there were the usual sob stories as Simon Cowell seems more interested in what hurdles the acts have overcome rather than what they’re going to do. I admit the Missing People Choir had me welling up. It was such an ingenious yet heartbreaking idea and I hope they go far.

There were some genuine “wow” moments.

Mind readers DNA were great, although they’re one of two acts accused of being too close to some others. The thing that impressed me most during their act was that my mum and dad’s phone number was in Amanda Holden’s mobile contacts list. Turned out the number the duo had guessed was her sister Debbie’s. I’m still wondering when they changed their T-shirts.

Young Ned Woodman raised some eyebrows. Photo:  Tom Dymond / ITV / Thames / Syco Young Ned Woodman raised some eyebrows. Photo: Tom Dymond / ITV / Thames / Syco

A lot of fuss is being made about 15-year-old singer Sarah Ikumu who closed the show with the Dreamgirls hit And I Am Telling You (if they’re on last you know they’re good, it’s the producers’ way of saying don’t switch over yet). She milked the runs a bit; I had time to watch Dreamgirls before she’d finished the song.

The series opener wasn’t without controversy.

Adam Keeler has been accused of borrowing his comedy routine from the duo Raymond and Mr Timpkins. In several tweets after the episode they claimed it was because they’ve turned down producers’ pleas for them to appear on the ITV show.

Walliams reportedly tweeted his support for the duo on Sunday. Several other comedians, including Jason Manford – heading to Ipswich and Lowestoft next year – did the same. But Keeler simply says he’s never seen Raymond and Mr Timpkins so couldn’t have copied it.

Ant helped out magician Niels Harder.   Photo: Tom Dymond / ITV / Thames / Syco Ant helped out magician Niels Harder. Photo: Tom Dymond / ITV / Thames / Syco

Then there was eight-year-old Ned Woodman, who looked like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth and drew “ahhs” from judges Holden and Alesha Dixon. They shouldn’t have been so hasty. He savagely attacked them, David Walliams, Cowell and even Ant and Dec – hasn’t he heard they’ve got OBEs? Everybody else has.

During last Saturday’s episode Walliams joked he fast-forwarded to his bits when watching at home. I do something similar when they judge but even I thought the youngster had gone too far.

I half expected the pint-sized prankster to be Frankie Boyle in some elaborate disguise.

Not only was it disrespectful, his barb at Holden – or whoever actually wrote Ned’s routine, his father is reportedly a comedy writer – was no way for anyone, regardless of age, to speak about women.

The Missing People Choir on Britain's Got Talent. Photo: TOM DYMOND/ITV/THAMES/SYCO The Missing People Choir on Britain's Got Talent. Photo: TOM DYMOND/ITV/THAMES/SYCO

Britain’s Got Talent, for all its faults, is about more than finding a variety star. It’s a celebration of Britain’s eccentricities, exemplified by decorator Jim who – power adaptor trailing tragically behind him – got the brush off for pretending to be a dancing cat, boat and alien. Sadly we’ll never know what delights his final dance performance held.

Then there was Mahny and her dog Robbie, who collared the judges into doing doggy yoga.

Personally I’d have buzzed her off just for using the words real, mutual, symbiotic and organic all in one sentence. Robbie couldn’t even do downward-facing dog.

Ant and Dec, who pioneered putting nervous acts at ease, were straight in; showing why they deserve their awards. They’ve done everything, including in Ant’s case being nutty magician Neils Harder’s assistant. Sorry Neils, the sooner you disappear the better.

As Dec explained: “We had a bring-your-dog-to-work day... So we all got our dogs up on stage and it didn’t go quite to plan. My dog didn’t want to be there. Ant’s dog had a massive wee on stage. One of the yoga dogs wee’ed in David’s shoe after he took them off.”

Shows what he thought of the act...

Britain’s Got Talent contines this Saturday on ITV at 8pm.

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