A woman who spent 10 years being controlled, monitored and manipulated has shared her story in the hopes that other women will be able to spot “red flags”.
“Everything I experienced in the relationship, I thought was normal,” explained the woman, who is remaining nameless for her own safety.
“And then, 10 months after our relationship ended, I found a tracker in my car.”
In the wake of stalkers being brought to justice, victims have been reaching out to share their stories, and the moments they hit breaking point and went to the police.
This latest woman was with her ex for 10 years, a relationship which began when she was very young and he was much older.
Over time, the measures he took to control her became more extreme.
“I would give my phone to him, and he would take it somewhere to recover all the deleted data, to make sure I wasn’t speaking to anyone I shouldn’t be speaking to,” the woman recalled.
There were also listening devices in their home, which he would play back, trying to catch her out.
She became isolated from family and friends, who he said she could not trust.
“I was under his spell,” the woman explained. “Our relationship wasn’t ever physical, but it was very mentally draining.”
One close friend saw how unhealthy the relationship was and, finally, the woman recognised her partner’s behaviour as controlling.
When, as would often happen, he packed a bag and threatened to leave, she called his bluff.
After discovering the tracker in her car, she went to the police. A Stalking Protection Order (SPO) is now in place.
An SPO can be sought even when there isn’t yet enough evidence for criminal charges, and without the victim needing to attend court.
The order stops someone from contacting victims, turning up at places they go, posting about them online, or recording them.
“Stalking is a really frightening offence and it can also be very dangerous, as this behaviour can escalate and blur itself into other offences,” said PC Clare Dobson, Suffolk Constabulary’s point of contact for SPOs.
PC Dobson explained there are behaviours typical of stalking.
Known as FOUR, these are when perpetrators are fixated, obsessed and act in unwanted and repeated ways.
The woman recalled behaviours which, in hindsight, she views as “red flags”.
“There’s the love bombing, the gifts, the wanting to get serious very quickly,” she remembered.
“I want to encourage women to report things like this. It’s good that a lot of women are now starting to speak up.
“I think a lot of people fear being alone, and in fact, being alone is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.”
“We understand that not everyone has the confidence to speak to police right away,” said PC Dobson.
“There are support services, independent of the police, that can help you if you’ve been a victim of stalking.
“Whatever you do, do not let stalking or harassing behaviour continue.”
Another victim, Louise Marston spoke out after listening devices planted by her ex-husband were found in her car and inside a plug socket and extension lead in her hairdressing business.
“There is no excuse for bad behaviour and women shouldn’t have to put up with it in this day and age,” said Ms Marston.
She said her life changed after speaking to an off duty policewoman.
“ She told me this wasn’t normal and I didn’t have to live like this,” said Ms Marston.
To speak to the National Stalking Helpline, call: 0802 802030
For more information, visit: www.suzylamplugh.org
