Kicking sand at the beach gorgeous

NOW I've moved to the Edwardian seaside resort of Felixstowe I have almost cut out the various drinking hostelries of Ipswich in my life.I say cut out what I mean is I have developed an increasing awareness that the older I get the less able I am to deal with the following hangover.

NOW I've moved to the Edwardian seaside resort of Felixstowe I have almost cut out the various drinking hostelries of Ipswich in my life.

I say cut out what I mean is I have developed an increasing awareness that the older I get the less able I am to deal with the following hangover.

As regular readers know only too well I like an occasional brandy and soda or Canadian Club and lemonade or the odd glass of merlot but these 7pm onwards treats are now almost always restricted to my Felixstowe salon and adjacent balcony with sea views (distant).

And anyway it appears to me that my balcony is one of the few places you can smoke without fear of arrest or censure in this country.

That aside I doubt I will give up pubbing forever - I like the crisps they sell too much.

Nevertheless one of the downsides of staying in is my increasing time spent watching television.

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Mid-way between an Hercule Poirot the other week I was shocked to see an advert showing a woman taking off her clothes in a crowd of people who has stopped what they were doing and turned to look at her.

Apparently taking off your clothes off while on holiday is the 'most dreaded moment of the year.'

The young lady, full of trepidation, reveals what can only be described as a lovely, enabling those around her to get back to what they were doing safe in the knowledge she's so-called 'beach gorgeous'.

I can only describe my shock at this somewhat aggressive approach as rather fulsome.

Indeed, it could be argued this is little more than a campaign of self loathing designed to play on insecurities and lack of self confidence.

In a world where young girls are starving themselves to look like an unfeminine and unhealthy skeleton in the name of beauty, then this attack to the self esteem of so many women is a serious mistake.

Thankfully I don't take beach holidays - I can't bear all the other people or the lying around doing nothing - so I have never had to strip off to my Speedos in front of a discerning crowd.

If that's what holidays are all about nowadays I'll stay on my balcony thanks very much and keep my peace of mind.

Do you agree? Have you felt the need to prepare for the beach? or am I spouting a load of rubbish? e-mail james.marston@eveningstar.co.uk.

NOW I admit I haven't been for a while but it was nice to drop in to the bingo hall and catch up with bingo lady Margaret and her chums who always sit near the front.

They all read my column and are fans.

Naturally, I'm always delighted at my modicum of fame and being recognised made up for not winning a couple of hundred quid - well almost.

I'm off to Germany in a couple of weeks.

I haven't had much time off since a nasty bout of viral gastroentiritus earlier in the year - an illness I caught from some bad quiche and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Anyway I digress. I'm off to Munich, not for the beer festival but for a look round the places of historical interest - Hitler's Munich, the sites of mass Nazi party rallies, and the occasional Hofbrauhaus -pub to you and me.

I'm travelling with my Pa, who also likes history, and we're also headed to Salzburg and the Bavarian alpine resort of Berchtesgaden where that naughty Adolf hung around in his eagle's nest the Kehlsteinhaus.

Apparently the chalet was built for the dictator's 50th birthday and it's now a restaurant with a licensed bar.

By the miracle of the interweb I have looked at the menu and decided upon something called Schweinelendchen in Pfefferrahmsoße - of course, I have no clue what I shall be eating.

Perhaps you can tell me what I'm having for my lunch? Drop me a line.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing.

Dr “What are the symptoms?”

Patient: “They're those yellow people on TV.”

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